There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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