I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
