Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize