my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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