dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
