I think I died a long time ago.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
