I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize