New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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