If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
