i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
