Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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