i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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