I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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