I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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