we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
