Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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