today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
