it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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