someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize