last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
