Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
