party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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