it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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