It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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