I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
