I skipped work to stalk him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize