I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
