so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
