My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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