coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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