Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
