I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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