theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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