I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
