I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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