In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
