well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
