So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
