you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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