I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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