My hair reeks of homosexuality.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
