I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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