please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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