Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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