I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
