So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
