So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
