NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's never too late to be topless.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
