just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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