Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
