She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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