new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
