Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
