East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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