My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
