Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
