it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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