Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
