im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
