So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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