Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
