Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
